Overly-Picky? How to stop sabotaging your love life

Do you constantly find yourself coming up with odd reasons not to enter or remain in a relationship? eg He laughs weird. She’s vegetarian. He doesn’t call, only texts. She calls her family too often. He walks too fast. Ever thought that you may be just a tad “too picky”? The truth is that many people say they can’t find a partner but in actual fact there are partners available but they’re just too picky to notice or stay with them. Now don’t get us wrong, a certain level of pickiness is important. But there is healthy picky and unhealthy picky. Let’s take a look at both.

Healthy Picky vs Unhealthy Picky

Health picky is when you are careful about who you get involved with, you also prefer taking things slowly, and remaining on guard till you get to know the person much better.

Unhealthy Picky is when you find every reason not to date someone and most of the reasons are trivial or temporary. You’re looking for perfection even though you yourself are not perfect. This striving to find the perfect person means you are always single or in unhappy relationships where you’re focused on trivialities. You are quick to find and amplify faults to the point that you consider them dealbreakers.

Reasons why you're so picky

What causes someone to be so picky and prone to fault-finding? Usually the cause is Fear. Unhealthy pickiness stems from fear and this fear leads them to find reasons to end the source of fear and thus they give excuses for a relationship not being worth entering or staying in.

For most people, they are happy and hopeful when starting a new relationship. They take just the right amount of caution and then plunge themselves into enjoying it, from the first hello! For the unhealthy pickers, a simple hello can cause anxiety and send them into imagining what horrible things await them if they respond to the advances.

If you are someone who is extremely picky, it means that you (deliberately or unconsciously) work hard to find faults with prospective partners as a means of self-protection. This is a mental issue that you need to deal with especially if you do want to be in a relationship.

Is your extreme pickiness related to your childhood/upbringing? Was there a lot of fighting between your parents? Did your parents separate? Did you have any previous relationship with partners, family or even friends that left you ashamed, insecure or really hurt? The first step to healing is to figure out what your reasons are, and deal with them one by one.

How to move from Unhealthy to Healthy Picky

Getting over nitpicking, or the tendency to focus excessively on minor details or flaws, can be a challenging but rewarding process. Here are some strategies to help you overcome nitpicking:

Admit you’re unhealthily picky: List past relationships or situations where you have turned down someone and analyze your reason for doing so. Also make an honest list of reasons why you think you focus on faults and find reasons for not entering or remaining in relationships. Once you are honest with yourself and understand why you are so picky, you can then start working towards a change.
Understand the Impact: Consider how nitpicking affects your well-being and relationships. Recognize that excessive focus on minor details can lead to stress, frustration, and strain in your interactions with others.
Practice Self-Awareness: Recognize when you are nitpicking. Pay attention to your thoughts and reactions, especially when you find yourself focusing on small imperfections.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Question the validity of your nitpicking thoughts. Ask yourself if these details truly matter in the grand scheme of things or if they are disproportionately influencing your perspective.
Set Realistic Standards: Adjust your expectations and standards to more realistic levels. Understand that perfection is often unattainable, and embracing imperfections can lead to greater satisfaction.
Prioritize What Matters: Identify what truly matters in a given situation. Focus on the bigger picture and the most important aspects rather than getting bogged down by minor details.
Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness techniques to stay present and focused on the current moment. Mindfulness can help you let go of unnecessary thoughts and distractions. Learn to enjoy the moment instead of thinking of what may go wrong in future. As they say, “just enjoy the ride”.
Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on problems or imperfections, shift your focus to finding solutions and making improvements. Some of the things you may be worried about are temporary or can be discussed and changes made.
Seek Support/Feedback: Tell a couple of close friends/family about this issue and ask them to point out when you begin to nitpick. Ask them for feedback about your worries concerning potential partners. Sometimes, those close to us can be more objective and help you see clearly if your worries are valid or it’s unheathy pickiness at work.
Get to know them: Give a realistic timeframe for getting to know them. Challenge yourself to not decide if someone is a good fit or not until you’ve had at least three or four interactions/dates with a person. People these days judge one another by their first date or interaction, forgetting there’s not much that can be revealed in a 100 word chat!
Seek Counseling or Therapy: If nitpicking is causing significant distress or negatively impacting your life, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and strategies to address underlying issues and develop healthier habits.

Overcoming unhealthy pickiness aka nitpicking is a gradual process, and it may take time to change. Be patient with yourself and be mindful of how important it is for you to do this for yourself and your relationships.